Smut University - Volume 4 Page 8

  I started to walk to the door and Addison broke; a sob bursting from her. “Jax, don’t do this. Please!”

  I stopped with my hand on the door, turning my head back but not all the way. “We can work the book shit out through Jefferson, but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.”

  With that I turned the nob and walked out.

  The hallway of the elegant hotel loomed grotesquely in front of me. I felt sick inside at how I’d just treated her, after all, just a few days ago, she’d been the one I wanted to build my future around; I’d been planning how I was going to ask her to marry me. But now…. all I knew was that I needed time and space to survive.

  5

  There was a hole in my chest where my heart used to live. The feeling

  of loss was overwhelming. I’d never felt pain like this. It was like I was dying, only if I died, the hurt would stop, but this would go on forever. I knew for sure I’d never get over Jaxon Michaels. My brain flashed with memories of his intense, sleepy, love-drunk eyes, his passionate kiss that owned me, his incredible mind; the way he could be demanding and tender at the same time. He was beautiful in so many ways, and he’d touched me like no one ever would again.

  I’d remained in the hotel room crying on the bed for hours, lamenting the hopelessness and despair I felt. I could have stayed the night to get myself together, but I couldn’t bear to sleep in the bed where I’d last been with Jax. I knew he didn’t want it to be tender, but toward the end of it, I felt him come back to me. Until he realized.

  When I left to go home, it was dark outside, but I didn’t bother looking at my phone to see what time it was. If I did, I’d have to see that Jax hadn’t called or texted, and my heart already knew he didn’t. My eyes were swollen, my head was pounding, and I knew I looked a mess. I felt like a hollow shell but welcomed the slight reprieve from the constant misery. It was a feeling I’d had for three or four days, now. They all blended together, and I’d lost count.

  I didn’t call Jax’s car service for a ride home, opting instead for a cab that I’d flagged on the street outside the hotel. I wouldn’t give him the fucking satisfaction of being able to check when I arrived home or allow him relief from worry. Let him stew, I thought indignantly. I knew he would worry about me. He had to or what had the past few months been for?

  Michelle had been waiting for me when I’d arrived home, but I waved away her questions, crawled into bed, without changing clothes and turned my back on her and cried some more.

  “Oh, Addy,” was all she said. “I’m sorry.”

  I wasn’t sure how long it was that I lay there suffering, my mind and heart tormenting me. There is this level of disbelief when you have a breakup that hurts this badly. You tell yourself it’s not really over. Convince yourself it’s a bad dream or happening to someone else, but then you wake up after a night of exhausted sleep which was the result of horrible crying, only to find yourself incredibly alone. It takes a beat until you remember the entire thing… then it starts all over again.

  A week had passed. Every morning, I dragged myself from my bed and forced myself to go on living, telling myself I only had myself to blame. Jax was right. I should have trusted him more. I breathed in and out, I went to class but stayed away from my friends. There was no use putting them through my own misery and talking about it wouldn’t change a damn thing; Jax was lost to me and I had to face it, but I had to do what I could to save his career. I did stop into Jax’s office once and swallowed my pride enough to ask Luke if Jax was coming back to work. At first, Luke’s response was eager, but after he saw how heartbroken I was, after my refusal to speak about my relationship with Jax, he became more standoffish and awkward. That was last Friday and in the process of another weekend of being alone and introspective, with no contact from Jax. I spent all of my time in the library so I wouldn’t have to talk to Michelle, and I’d come to a couple of pretty big decisions.

  I was surprised and hurt when he left the hotel room. In the time since then I was heartbroken. All I could think about was making love with him and how it was the last time he’d ever touch me. I’d replayed the entire thing over and over inside my mind. I’d felt his anguish in every thrust. I could still feel it. He was branded all over me. My heart, body, and soul would never recover. Not unless I could get him back, and to do that I had to convince him that my manuscript didn’t matter to me as much as he did.

  It was a new Monday morning and the only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to convince that Marcia woman at S & S to keep my book and let it publish under Jax’s name as the contracts dictated. I couldn’t let him take the fall for my idiocy. He was angry, yes, but deep down I knew he was suffering as much as I was. Maybe it was just my heart begging for hope, but I had to hang on to it.

  After I’d showered and dressed in jeans and casual top, I felt a little better because I had a sense of purpose. This might not work, and I might not win him back, but I had to try. It eased my pain a little just knowing I was making an effort.

  I grabbed my phone and sat down at the small table. Jefferson had left me a message on Friday evening, but I’d only seen the message on Saturday. I brought up the message to call his office back.

  “Michaels and Michaels,” a chipper female voice answered.

  “May I speak to Jefferson Michaels, please? This is Addison Tomms.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Let me see if he’s available. Can you hold for a minute, please?”

  “Yes, thank you,” I answered

  The hold time was just a couple of minutes, but it felt like longer. I was so anxious to speak to him and then figure out my next step with Simon & Schuster.

  “Good morning, Addy,” Jeff’s deep voice came across the line.

  “Hello. I apologize for not calling back on Friday, but I didn’t see the message until Saturday and your office was closed.”

  “No worries. How have you been?” He sounded genuinely concerned.

  “I’m doing okay. Just praying for this semester to be over.”

  “Are you going anywhere for Thanksgiving?”

  I hadn’t even thought about it. My mother had called the past week about my plans, but I was still too fragile to speak to her. My family, especially my mother, would be able to tell I was suffering, and I wasn’t up to sharing. I had planned on spending the holiday with Jax at his cabin, so I hadn’t made other plans. I didn’t want to tell my family about my change of schedule to avoid questions I didn’t want to answer. Michelle was taking a long weekend in Miami, and I was just grateful that I’d have some time to myself. “I think I may just stay in the city.”

  I wanted desperately to ask about Jax but stopped myself.

  “Well, the reason for my call was because I wanted to ask if I should draft a release letter for Bloom and Wandough? I’ve looked through the contract and unfortunately, the ghostwriter clause is in there. You only have to give written notice of thirty days, but the current deals will remain effective and they’d have to pay you the ghostwriting fee.”

  I could feel myself flush. Even though I’d had a week to get used to the idea, I still couldn’t help berating myself for my stupidity. I didn’t even know what they’d be paying me for my manuscript. “Whatever you think is best. But… do we know what’s going to happen?”

  Jeff sighed. “Unfortunately, we can’t prove Gloria forged Jax’s signature, so he is slated to publish. He’s furious, but I’ve advised him, and I would you as well, to let the book publish and move on.”

  My heart sank. “What does Jax say?”

  “I was hoping he’d speak to you about his decision himself. Jax is against it. He is willing to let the publisher sue him for cancelling the book and throw himself on the sword to get you out of it, but it won’t help your situation. The manuscript has already been sold by the agency while you are under contract, so if he doesn’t publish it, it’s within the publisher’s discretion to assign it to another author. I’ve advised him to let it go through. At least he
’ll be able to control it and share the royalties with you.”

  “What about Gloria? What happens to her? Will she get away with this? I wish I could scratch her eyes out.”

  “I would advise you to just stay away from her. I’ve threatened her into signing a non-disclosure as have the principles of the agency. They’ve also fired Gloria. Jax contacted them directly, and they have agreed because they don’t want to lose him.”

  “Is he considering staying with them?” I was surprised.

  “His career is established, and he would have less damage to contend with if he doesn’t change agencies, so he may stay with them, but the contract will be very specific as to what they can do moving forward.”

  “I see. What about me? What do you think should I do?” I felt like an idiot asking, but I had no idea how to navigate this and short of having Jax help me, Jefferson was the next best thing.

  “I think we should ask them to release you from your contract because the current one has that clause in it. If you choose to stay with them, we’d get a new one written up without it.”

  Depending on what happened between me and Jax, I couldn’t commit to being with the same agency. “Maybe they don’t want me,” I murmured. “Gloria only signed me because of Jax, anyway.”

  “Jax has insisted Bloom sign you as part of his negotiation for his own status. He was adamant about it. I’ve already drawn up the contract if you choose to move forward. I know it doesn’t save this book, but it secures the next one, at least.”

  A small bloom of hope fluttered inside my chest. “Okay.”

  “How are you and Jax doing? I know it’s not my business, but I had to ask.”

  “We aren’t seeing each other. He’s mad because I didn’t trust him. He’s right. I should have, but he’s been with her for so long, I didn’t think my relationship with him would negate theirs.”

  “It happens, Addy,” Jeff said sympathetically. “Gloria should be prosecuted for forging his signature, but the bad publicity would be worse for the publisher, for Jax and for you.”

  “I can’t believe I made such a mess of things,” I said sadly.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself. He may come around.”

  “I know I have no right to ask, but is he in New York?”

  “No. He went back to Tennessee to finish his book.”

  “I thought he was going to publish my book so someone else won’t be able to.”

  “He will, but he feels like hell about it. The only reason he’s doing it is so he can give you the money.”

  “I don’t care about the money,” I said simply.

  “Obviously, Jax doesn’t either and that should tell you both something,” Jeff added. “Come on by to sign this contract when it’s convenient. After the holiday weekend will be fine.”

  His words made my heart start to pound. Could Jax be as miserable over this as I was? “Thank you for doing this, Jeff. I really appreciate it,” I admitted. I was sad about my book, but glad that at least Jeff had convinced Jax not to ruin his own career over my mistake.

  “Not a problem, Addy. Have a good holiday. I can have my assistant make arrangements for you to head down to Tennessee.” I could hear the smile in Jax’s brother’s voice. “If you’d like.”

  My heart leapt inside my chest. “Really? Do you think he wants to see me?”

  “Hell, yes, though he might not admit it. He’s not himself. Don’t tell him I said so.”

  “Then…. Yes, thank you, but I can’t leave until Wednesday afternoon.” Even if I wanted to, I had three more days of classes and more importantly, I had to talk to Marcia Goldstein, first.

  “You got it. I won’t tell my brother. Better you just show up. I don’t want to give him the chance to prepare in advance. I’ll have Carol make all of the arrangements. Wednesday afternoon, it is.”

  I smiled for the first time in a week. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  Jeff laughed. “My pleasure.”

  When I ended the call, I grabbed my coat, shoved my feet into a pair of ankle boots and headed outside to hail a taxi. I had to speak to Marcia Goldstein, and I had to do so as soon as possible.

  The ride to the famous publishing house in Rockefeller Center seemed like it took forever. It was at the end of the rush hour traffic and Manhattan was congested. I was both anxious and excited as I ran my card through the meter and then exited the vehicle in front of the tall brown building. It wasn’t the tallest building in the city, but it was still intimidating, just the same. Some of the greatest books in history had been published here and part of me was proud that mine would live among then.

  Inside, and finally at the main floor, I was standing in reception. The building was old; built in 1939, but the offices had modern upgrades.

  “Hello, may I help you?” There was a young, professional looking man sitting behind the reception desk.

  “Yes, thank you.” I felt conscious of my casual dress. I was blowing off my morning classes to be there, so I hoped this woman would see me. “I’d like to see Marcia Goldstein, please.”

  He smiled pleasantly. “Do you have an appointment?”

  “Unfortunately, no, but this is urgent.” I realized I was clutching my hands together nervously and willed myself to stop. “Please.”

  He shook his dark head. “I can ask her, but she doesn’t usually take unscheduled appointments. May I tell her your name?”

  “Yes. Addison Tomms. I’m a friend of Jaxon Michaels.” I didn’t want to spill that my book was publishing under his name in case it was a secret, but I assumed she’d realize and make the connection.

  “One moment.” He picked up the phone and pressed a button. “Forgive me for interrupting Ms. Goldstein, but a Miss Addison Tomms is here to see you. She mentioned she is a friend of Jaxon Michaels.” He paused for a second. “Yes, ma’am.” When he replaced the receiver in the cradle, he looked up. “She will see you in a few moments. She’s just finishing something up.”

  He suggested I take a seat in one of the chairs off to one side in a small sitting room. It felt like more of a library than a publishing house with books displayed on shelves and glass cases with enclosed posters; which promoted new releases on the walls.

  I concentrated on keeping my breathing even as I went over what I was going to say to this woman. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was hoping to accomplish by being here, but I wanted to make sure Jax’s reputation or his relationship with the publisher was intact.

  My mind was racing when an elegant, older woman appeared in front of me. “Addison?” she asked.

  I immediately stood and offered my hand. “Yes, ma’am.” She took it and shook it graciously. “I’m sorry for the impromptu drop in.”

  “This way.”

  I followed her down the hallway, past a few tan colored cubicles filled with what I could only assume were junior editors or marketing associates. Many had their heads down reading or marking up something, and several others were on their phones, or working on computers.

  Her office was impressive, and she offered me one of the white, upholstered chairs in front of her desk. When she was settled, she spoke. “You’re here about Jax?”

  “Yes, mostly. I’m the one who wrote the book being published as his.”

  “It’s not being published. Jax has asked me to push back his publishing date so he can get his own manuscript to me. I can’t do it, so he’s writing as quickly as possible and I’ve put my team on stand-by so we can get it edited, the cover done and get new marketing materials out to our vendors.”

  “But I thought… that wasn’t possible.”

  “Normally, it wouldn’t be, but it’s Jaxon Michaels. He’s been one of our bestsellers, so we made a few arrangements for him. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. I practically had to sell my soul to the devil to get the higher-ups to agree.”

  “He won’t be sued over this will he?”

  “No. We’re doing our best to mitigate our losses.”

  “That’s�
� amazing.” But what would happen to my book? I wondered. “What happens to my manuscript?” I asked hesitantly. This woman had my future in her hands. “If it has to publish under anyone else but me, I want it to be him. I understand it’s been sold to you by Bloom and Wandough as a ghostwritten piece.” I felt a bit frantic. Somehow, I had to convince her. With Jax in charge of it, he would keep it from being chopped to hell in editing.

  “Jax doesn’t want to publish anything written by anyone else.”

  “I’ve poured my heart and soul into that book for two years, and I can’t have it publish under anyone else. Please, Ms. Goldstein!”

  She sat there and contemplated me for a minute, a small smile on her face. “You and Jax are quite a pair. He was willing to ruin his reputation, miss our deadline, and eat all of the production and promotion cost to push back his date so he could save your book…. For you. And here you are, you’re willing to sacrifice your book to save his reputation. It’s like a publishing gift of the Magi. I never thought I’d see the day that Jax would lose his heart. He writes these amazing romance novels that have women swooning, hell, he leaves women swooning… but he was the untouchable one.”

  My eyes filled with tears at the mere thought it could be true. Could Jax love me? My throat tightened with emotion and I cleared it so I could speak. “Do you think he could be convinced to publish it? I couldn’t stand it if it published under anyone else. I’ll forgo the fee.”

  Marcia sat tapping her chin with her elegant, gold pen. “It would be my choice to publish both books under both of you. Imagine the publicity lottery! Romance author falls in love with his brilliant student and together they pen not one, but two, amazing books”. She made quote signs with her free hand.

  Tears stung at my eyes and I dabbed at them. “Can you do that?”

  “Only if Jax agrees. So far, he’s refused. He said he wants you to have your breakout novel on your own. He said you deserve that, but personally, I think my suggestion is win win.”